Hey team,
Most managers sit in one of two camps.
We either:
Avoid the hard conversation entirely, softening the message so much that the person walks away with no idea anything was wrong.
OR we overcorrect, come in too strong, and the conversation lands as an attack rather than a redirect.
Neither works.
What we need are phrases that do both things at once. That hold the standard without making someone feel small, are clear without being cruel, and move things forward instead of just making a point.
So here are the four phrases I come back to again and again:
“Help me understand your thinking here.”
I use this one constantly, especially when something lands on my desk that doesn’t make sense and my first instinct is to jump straight to “that’s wrong.”
It slows me down and it keeps the conversation open. Instead of leading with a challenge I lead with curiosity, and more often than not the person either explains something I’d genuinely missed, or they talk themselves to the realisation without me having to say it.
Example: if someone has gone completely off-brief on a piece of work, this is my opener. Not “this isn’t what I asked for” but “help me understand your thinking here.” Same message, but with a completely different energy in the room.
“If this keeps happening, here’s what I’d need to do. But I’d rather not get there.”
This is the one I had to learn to say out loud because for a long time it felt too direct.
But I've learned that naming a consequence clearly is one of the kindest things you can do for someone. It removes all ambiguity about where things stand. I use it when I've had the same conversation more than once and I need the person to understand that we're at a different stage now.
Example: if someone has missed a deadline for the third time and I've already addressed it twice, this is how I open the next conversation. I'm not threatening them. I'm being honest about where we are and making it clear I'd rather find a way through together.
“Here’s what I need from you going forward.”
I reach for this one when I want to close a difficult conversation cleanly without leaving it messy or open-ended. It's forward-facing, which really matters because the goal of any hard conversation isn't to make a point… It's to change something.
Example: if someone has been letting things slip and we've just had a frank conversation about it, I don't end with "so just try to do better." I end with "here's what I need from you going forward" and I get specific. E.g. The report in by Thursday. The update sent before you leave on Friday. Something concrete they can actually act on.
“The impact on the team was X. I don’t think that was your intention, but it’s worth knowing.”
This is probably the phrase I'm most glad I learned. I used to make the mistake of focusing on what someone did without separating it from why they did it, and the conversation would shut down almost immediately because they felt accused.
Now I lead with the impact and I actively separate it from the intent.
Example: if someone has been venting about a decision to the rest of the team before I've had a chance to address it properly, I don't go in assuming they were being deliberately difficult. I say "the impact on the team was that people started to feel unsettled before we'd had a chance to talk it through. I don't think that was your intention, but we need to discuss the impact."
The conversation stays open. And they can take responsibility for the impact without feeling like they're being painted as the villain.
Final Thoughts
Today is an increidbly exiting day for us here Fresh Leadership World HQ because it is the day we finally open up the doors to our brand new tech product, Custard, to the world.
6 months In The Making. Ans I’m so excited to see some of you inside.
So if phrases like these, along with 1:1 agendas, manager actions, team scores and a full library of resources to help you lead better week on week, sound like something you need, this is your last chance.
We open Custard to 50 businesses later today.
This is your last chance to join the waitlist to get all the info in a few hours time.
I can’t wait to see you inside,
H
Heather, these are excellent examples of how language shapes leadership. The most effective conversations aren't about winning an argument, they're about creating understanding and accountability. I've found that curiosity, clarity, and consistency are often more influential than authority. When leaders ask thoughtful questions, explain the impact of behaviors, and set clear expectations for the future, they preserve dignity while reinforcing standards. Difficult conversations become far more productive when people leave knowing not only what needs to change, but also believing they're capable of making that change.
Agreed. Well written. Personally "going forward" is my go to to curve any behavior that needs new direction.