How to give feedback to someone who takes it personally
The only 4 steps you need to take
Hey team,
Later today, I’m opening the doors to my biggest online workshop yet:
How to hold people accountable (without being the bad guy)
The 4-step formula to get results without ruining relationships 💥This isn’t fluffy theory. It’s the exact system I’ve used to help leaders at Sony, the MOD, and global start-ups build high-performing teams without micromanaging or people-pleasing.
Now here’s the part you need to know:
👉 If you’ve ordered a copy of my book Your Boss Era, you can get your ticket for free. Once you’ve placed your order, just reply ‘ordered’ to this email and I’ll send you your free ticket code.
Now, back to the subject at hand…
Ever given someone feedback and watched them instantly get defensive? Or even shrink? Get upset?
If you manage people, you’ve likely met someone who takes feedback very personally.
And let’s be honest, if you’re human, you’ve probably done it too.
That sting in your chest when someone calls something out you weren’t ready to hear? It’s real. It’s valid. And it’s ok.
But we absolutely need to learn what to do in these situations. Because:
The longer you avoid giving feedback to someone who takes it personally, the more damage you do. Not just to them, but to the whole team.
Because now you’re not just avoiding discomfort.
You’re enabling underperformance, creating resentment, and weakening trust… All without saying a word.
So what do you do when someone’s reaction makes it ten times harder to be honest with them?
Today, I’m giving you a practical guide to finally get through to them, without tiptoeing, blowing things up, or burning out.
You’ll learn:
A proven 4-step feedback method that builds trust
What’s really behind the defensive reactions
How to prepare the ground before giving the feedback
How to follow up so the change actually sticks
👀 Step 1: Understand what’s really going on
Why it matters:
If you don’t understand why someone reacts emotionally to feedback, you’ll either overcompensate (by softening it so much it loses meaning) or deliver it cold (and worsen the impact).
The reality:
People who take feedback personally usually carry deep beliefs like:
Mistakes mean I’m a failure.
Feedback = punishment.
I have to be perfect to be respected.
Often, these come from previous toxic workplaces, micromanaging bosses, or even childhood messages around achievement.
As a manager, your job isn’t to psychoanalyse. But it is helpful to understand context.
💡 Try this before the conversation:
Ask yourself: “What might this person believe feedback says about them?”
This reframe will come in handy as we move through the rest of the steps…
Step 2: Prime the environment
No one responds well to a drive-by critique. If feedback only happens when things go wrong, it will always feel like punishment.
Instead: Make feedback normal before it’s personal.
💬 Try asking this in your next 1:1:
“What’s one thing about the way I manage you, that you wish you could change?”
Then model the vulnerability. Accept the feedback. Show them you can take it.
It makes your team feel safer around feedback.
🔁 Build this rhythm into your team culture:
Give micro-feedback regularly (“Thanks for jumping in on that call it really showed initiative.”)
Praise effort, not just results
Ask them for feedback…Often
The more emotionally safe feedback feels over time, the less likely people are to spiral when they hear something tough.
Step 3: Use the 4 P’s Framework for difficult feedback
When you need to give someone tough feedback (especially someone sensitive to it),structure is your best friend.
This 4-step framework keeps you focused, keeps them grounded, and keeps the relationship intact.
🟪 1. Purpose
Start with why you’re having the conversation.
This signals care, not criticism.
“I wanted to chat about something I’ve noticed, because it’s affecting the team’s momentum”
🟪 2. Problem
State the behaviour.
Keep it specific and neutral.
“The monthly report has been submitted late three times in the last two months.”
(Notice you’re not saying you’re disorganised. You’re describing what happened.)
🟪 3. Proof
Back it up with evidence.
“Last week, the client flagged it again, and it delayed their next phase.”
Facts ground the conversation. No assumptions. No guesswork.
🟪 4. Path
End with action and belief.
“From here, I need us to hit the reporting deadline so it doesn’t block other teams. If something’s going to get in the way, let’s flag it earlier and work through it together.”
You’re offering support, clarity, and belief, all at once.
Step 4: Follow up with belief
Here’s where most managers stop. But this part is crucial.
Feedback doesn’t end when the meeting does.
If the person takes it personally, chances are their confidence took a hit even if they didn’t show it.
Your job isn’t to coddle them. But we must remind them they’re still trusted, respected, and more than capable of improving.
🔁 Within a few days, check in. Not to repeat the feedback, but to recognise the effort.
💬 Try this:
“Hey, I appreciated how open you were in our chat. I’ve already noticed how you’re approaching things differently. Keep going.”
This reinforces belief. And belief is what makes feedback stick.
What to Remember
Don’t tiptoe.
Prime your team to expect regular feedback.
Use a framework (like 4 P’s) to avoid emotional landmines.
Always, always follow up with belief not just expectation.
Because when someone takes feedback personally, it’s rarely about you. It’s about how they see themselves.
And when you get it right, feedback becomes less about confrontation and more about confidence. Theirs, and yours.
Action steps to try this week:
In your next 1:1, ask:
“What’s one thing I could be doing better as your manager?”Practise saying this sentence aloud:
“I know this might be hard to hear, but I care too much about your growth not to say it.”
One final thought…
Avoidance feels like protection in the moment. But silence is not kind.
Real leadership isn’t about being liked in the moment. But instead about helping your people grow, even when it’s uncomfortable.
So take a breath. Use the tools. And trust that with the right mindset, even the toughest feedback can build stronger, more resilient teams.
H x
P.S. I’ve written the book your worst manager should’ve read.
It’s a no-BS manual for managing humans, backed by the tough lessons no one teaches you (until it’s too late).
👉 Grab your copy before you’re managing on guesswork again.