Is this one leadership habit holding you back?

The one habit to look out for

Happy Tuesday gang,

I have a question I want you to take a moment to consider… When did you last get feedback that genuinely stung?

The kind of feedback that landed somewhere uncomfortable, and your first instinct was to push back on, explain away, or dismiss it entirely.

Now here’s the harder question: Were they right?

Because most of the time, and I say this as someone who has been on the wrong end of this more than once, the feedback that makes us most defensive is the feedback that’s the most true.

We don't get defensive about things that are miles off. We tend to only get defensive about things that are close enough to hurt.

And when we get defensive, when we dismiss, explain away, or shut down, we miss the exact information that would make us better. That missed information compounds.

And over months, over years, it becomes the difference between a leader who grows and one who doesn’t.

The one thing causing us to miss it? Ego.

Not ego in the “arrogant CEO” way, but ego in a quieter way.

An internal voice that says I already know this. I’ve got it handled. That feedback isn’t really about me. The one that makes you get angry when someone tells you something uncomfortable, even when (especially when) they’re right.

The habit of ego

In 2008, Google set out to answer a question that sounds almost arrogant: do managers even matter? They analysed performance data, feedback surveys, and interviews across thousands of their own teams to find out what separated their best managers from their worst.

This is Google. A company with more data, more rigour, and more resources than almost any organisation on the planet.

And their answer was: the best managers are the ones who have self-awareness. The willingness to hear hard truths and do something about them.

Feedback matters more than any other leadership skill, because you can’t develop emotionally if you’re defensive. You can’t build trust with your team if they sense you’re not really listening. You can’t grow if you’re busy protecting your current self-image.

And the thing blocking almost all of it? Ego.

I’ve f*kd up because of my ego many times

The first time I really noticed it, my manager told me the marketing materials I’d produced weren’t good enough. Childish, he’d said. And he was right, I’d left them last minute, rushed them and cut every corner possible. But my immediate reaction wasn’t fair point. It was defensive and annoyed. How dare he??

Except they were crap. And my ego meant it took me far longer than it should have to hear it and actually do something about it. I still cringe now.

The second time felt worse because I thought I was doing something good. I had a developer on my team who was brilliant but quiet, and I pushed him with public speaking and stretch projects, certain I knew what was best for his career.

He told me eventually that I was micromanaging him into confidence he didn’t want. Pushing everyone down one path. My path.

My ego fired straight back: I’m only trying to help you.

But that feedback changed the way I lead entirely. After that feedback, I learned our role in leadership is to understand what drives each person and work with that. Not try to force them all down one path.

Neither lesson would have landed if I hadn’t got my ego out of the way long enough to hear it.

Ego: The hardest habit to overcome

We're all terrified to admit we have a big juicy ego.

But we need to collectively learn that ego isn’t a character flaw, it’s just a protection mechanism.

When someone challenges your work or your approach, your brain registers it similarly to a physical threat, so your nervous system responds before your rational mind even gets involved.

But leadership requires you to override that wiring. Because the higher you go, the less likely people are to tell you what you need to hear… Unless you’ve made it genuinely safe to do so. And you can’t make it safe if you get defensive every time they try.

So let’s look at how we can practially start pushing our ego to the side.

2 practical ways to reduce ego in leadership

Of course, this wouldn’t be an In The Making article without some actual, real, practical ways to overcome this, so let’s do it…

1. Create a personal feedback habit

Most leaders only get real feedback in formal reviews, which means it’s infrequent, high-stakes, and therefore easy to dismiss. Instead, ask one question regularly: in 1:1s, after projects, in passing:
“What’s one thing I could do differently here?”
The more casual the ask, the more honest the answer

2. Train yourself to say “tell me more” before you respond.
When feedback lands and your first instinct is to defend, explain, or justify, don’t.
Just say: tell me more.
It buys you time, it signals safety, and it almost always gives you information you wouldn’t have had otherwise. Nine times out of ten, the first thing they say isn’t the full thing.

The best place to start is your 1:1’s

If you want to know whether your ego is getting in the way of your leadership, your 1:1 conversations are the diagnostic.

So if the stories above resonated, next week I’m running a free, online workshop on exactly this: How great managers run successful 1:1s.

I’ll be sharing the tried and tested framework used by over 20,000 managers: what to cover, how to structure the conversation, and how to make your 1:1s the place where your team actually tells you the truth.

It’s free and it’s insanely practical. I can’t wait to see you there.

Peace,

H