Stop being so nice at work
Here's exactly how
Gooood morning happy Tuesday,
I mentioned last week that I was about to be flown to the other side of the world for my furthest-ever speaking gig. Well… That happened. So here are my postcards from an incredible keynote conference slot in the Cayman Islands, featuring the clearest waters I’ve ever seen:
This is my signature keynote, one I’ve delivered on stages in front of thousands, and it’s titled… Stop Being Nice, Start Being Kind.
It’s a talk that, without doubt, every single time I deliver it, I get lines of people walking up to me afterwards telling them how much it resonated.
So today, I’m giving you the key message from that talk, because it’s one we all need to hear as often as possible.
Stop being nice
This is a message that has shaped my entire career, changed the relationships I have with people around me, and enabled me to build a high level of love and respect for myself in my leadership role:
Stop being nice.
Start being kind instead.
Let’s break it down…
The definition of nice:
nice /nīs/ adjective
1. pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory.
Being nice is about giving others satisfaction to make them feel good.
It’s about winning approval. Having people agree. Being a version of yourself that doesn’t upset others. Doesn’t rock the boat.
In the world of leadership, being nice usually shows up in the form of:
Giving feedback, but in a light-hearted way as not to hurt people’s feelings too much (‘The sh*t sandwich’)
Having an important but opposing opinion, but you don’t want to upset people or step on anyone’s toes, so you keep quiet.
Saying yes to requests for help from your team instantly. You drop everything you’re doing and help.
We do these things because subconsciously (and often completely consciously too) we just want our team to like us. We want their approval. We want their respect.
And we might get it instantaneously. For the hours or days following your team member might think ‘great I really like this manager’.
But then what happens is:
Your team member carries on the behaviour you gave them feedback about.
They haven’t changed because they didn’t hear or understand properly what you were telling them. This causes relationship breakdowns and tension.Execute on their opinion, except it isn’t a good path to go down and they end up looking silly anyway. Even more so actually. You get frustrated thinking ‘I knew that wouldn’t work’.
You say yes to requests for help, dropping the important system work you needed to do more importantly. You’re just distracted by your team asking you questions. The team starts to feel more like it’s stuck together with sticky tape everyday as the back end systems fall apart. You also become a bottleneck, because now everyone needs to come to you to help them work.
You see what I’m getting at?
When we don’t show courage, discipline, directness and truth, we are only diminishing respect in the long run. Not earning it.
When you stand for nothing, you fall for anything.
- Alexander Hamilton
Start being kind
Being kind is fundamentally different to being nice.
Being kind is to give. It is to be ok with instant discomfort, knowing there is a more powerful, caring outcome in the long run.
kind / adjective
1. generous; helpful; caring about other people.
In the situations above, being kind is to:
Give feedback directly. In the moment. Absolutely no sugar coating.
It needs to be properly heard and understood by the other person, even if it hurts their feelings in the moment.When your gut tells you something is wrong and you have an opposing opinion, bring it to the table. Challenge people’s thought process when your gut tells you to, so as a team you can collectively make the best decision.
Don’t jump to save or rescue your team. Turn notifications off. Never rush to respond and become a bottleneck. Allow them space to find answers to the problem themselves.
The biggest lesson from this entire keynote is this
Great leaders and teams are not built by avoiding the truth. They’re built by creating a culture where people feel safe enough to share it.
That’s exactly why we built Custard.
To help managers create more candid cultures by giving teams a simple way to share honest feedback every week, and giving managers the insights, actions and tools to actually do something with it.
Because the best leaders don’t guess how their team feels. They ask.
🍮 Join the Custard waitlist here
Stop being nice, start being kind
Today’s action:
Ask yourself… Who is the 1 person in your team that you’re feeling a little angsty with at the moment?
Now write down:
What feelings are you having? Anger? Frustration? Fear? Upset?
What are the actions you’ve seen from them that are causing this? (This can
sometimes feel hard to explain, if you’re struggling, don’t let that hold you back. Feelings are valid on their own too)
What do you want to happen if they continue? Will they need to go on performance management? Disciplinary? Lose their job? (Email me if you need help with this bit)
Now sit them down and tell them all the above.
I hope this impacts your life as much as it has mine
Peace & love,
H