Why they’re not respecting you as a manager (and how to change that)
The 3 steps I follow
Today, I want to talk about something that comes up constantly in leadership… Respect.
Or more specifically:
How to get your team to respect you without feeling bossy or fake.
I’ve been called “bossy” more times than I can count.
It started young.
At school, at uni, in my early jobs… “You’re a bit of a bossy one, aren’t you?”
It made me feel insecure and question everything. Growing up, thinking:
Am I coming on too strong?
Will people not want to be my friend because I’m bossy?
Should I tone it down?
And when I became a manager, that fear exploded.
I was terrified of being “too much”. I’d second-guess every decision, every email, every time I had to hold someone accountable.
Because deep down, I didn’t want to be that manager, the one everyone gossips about after work.
But if there’s one thing i’ve learned the hard way over the years, it’s that being called bossy is often just code for: “She has standards, and she’s not afraid to stick to them.”
The truth is, it’s not important to dwell on the idea of being bossy or even being liked.
We should instead be focussde on being clear, fair, and consistent.
Because respect isn’t about how ‘bossy’ or ‘liked’ you are. Or your age, title, or experience.
It’s about how you behave every. single. day. And most managers are accidentally sending the wrong signals.
Here’s why your team isn’t giving you the respect you deserve (yet):
Most new managers fall into the same trap. They think their job is to either:
Be the nice, approachable manager who keeps the peace
orBe the tough, no-nonsense manager who “sets the standard”
Both approaches backfire.
The ‘nice’ manager gets walked over.
The ‘tough’ manager becomes the boss no one trusts or wants to work for.
The answer isn’t in swinging between these extremes. It’s in building what I call quiet authority.
Here’s how I do it:
Step 1: Stop chasing their approval.
It sounds harsh but it’s true. When you try too hard to be liked, people can feel it and it makes them doubt your decisions.
This is why i’m obsessed with Mel Robbin’s ‘let them’ theory. You reallllly have to start letting go of other peoples opinions of you at first.
Your job is to focus on fairness, not friendliness. It’s OK if they don’t like every decision you make. It’s your job to make decisions that are right for the team and the business. Not ones every day that they like.
Step 2: Shift from explaining to expecting.
Managers stuck in ‘peer mode’ often over-explain every little thing to justify themselves. We need to stop this.
Your job is to clearly state:
What needs to be done
By when (ask them to decide)
What support you’re offering
What will happen if it isn’t done
Clear > Overly Nice. Every time.
Step 3: Become obsessed with the standards you accept
The #1 way managers lose respect is letting bad behaviour slide.
Trust me, I’ve seen this one play out over and over again.
People don’t respect us because of the words we proclaim loudly. They respect our actions. Our deeds.
I have a poem on the wall in my house because I have 1 line I want to be reminded of every day, it says:
”Think well of yourself, and proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds.”
If someone’s late.
If deadlines are missed.
If performance slips.
Speak up. Early. Calmly. Consistently.
When you don’t, when you ignore it, what kind of signal does that send to the rest of your team?
Get used to saying:
"I want to flag this early, because I respect your work, and I don’t want this to become a bigger issue."
This isn’t about changing who you are
You don’t need to become some “alpha” version of yourself to get respect. You just need to stop outsourcing your confidence to others.
Respect comes from consistency. Fairness. Boundaries. Follow-through.
If this is hitting home, I just wrote an entire book about the unfiltered story of my biggest f*ck ups, proudest wins, and the most turbulent moments of my management career... Told through the 16 key leadership principles that changed everything for me.
It comes out in just 9 days, don’t miss your chance to be the FIRST getting it through their letterbox next week. Link to order here.
You’ve got this.
That confidence you’re looking for isn’t built in your head, it’s built in your habits.
H x