How to handle difficult conversations at work

The process the best leaders follow

It’s not the good stuff that will make you a brilliant leader.

You won’t become excellent as a result of giving praise or organising a great Christmas party.

What really makes us brilliant is how we handle the tough parts.

The situations that nobody else wants to address…

The times when everyone’s ‘work bestie’ is always late to meetings, or when your top Sales person is gossiping behind everyone’s back.

A reminder of my favourite Tim Ferris quote:

Avoiding tricky situations is our default. Why wouldn’t it be? It’s the easier path to take in the moment.

But it’s because of this programming that we often see managers, unbeknown to them, let their workplace culture, and their own reputation and success, go down the drain. 

But you know this, and I’m not here to lecture you today about why you need to have these conversations. I’m instead going to tell you how to have them…

The exact process I follow to have difficult conversations

Whenever something difficult arises that I need to address with my team, either live in the office environment, or I notice something on slack etc, I grab my pen, and jot down notes answering the 4 points below…

I’ll then call them into a private conversation (and take my notes along to ensure everything is properly covered).

The difficult conversation process:

1. Firstly, the time is now
   The longer you leave something, the harder it’ll get.
   The ignoring and the ‘waiting for the right time’ is the root of a lot of problems for culture. As soon as something arises, that is when you need to have the conversation.
   The only time I’d advise you to wait overnight is in highly emotional situations where you/them might need an evening away to cool down and consider the consequences.
   But even in those highly emotional situations, I’d still recommend having some form of conversation in the moment but taking a day or two to research/decide the consequences.

2. Start the conversation with feelings
   Explain how you were made to feel by what they did/are doing.
   Managers often get hung up on having to ‘prove’ why we feel a certain way, but simply telling someone how they’ve made you feel is ENOUGH. Feelings are valid too.
   We often hold ourselves back from having these conversations, because we’re worried the person on the receiving end saying ‘but what did I do’ or them arguing about their actions, and we can’t give them a full list of proof and feel we’ll be ‘caught out’ without enough evidence.
   So this is your reminder that feelings alone are enough to open up a conversation, and to be very wary of gaslighting if/when someone tries to tell you what you’re feeling is wrong.

3. Explain actions
   Now we do want to address the actions as much as possible
   Exactly what actions have they taken, that have caused you or others to feel this way?
   This is another reason why having the conversation in the moment is SO important, you’ll often both forget the accurate actions if you leave it too long.

4. The most important bit - Consequence
   Although the most important, outlining the consequences is the part most commonly forgotten
   We need to explain to the person how, if this behaviour continues, the impact will be X. Will they be put on a formal performance management? Disciplinary? Will they lose their job?
   The consequence is the part of the conversation most Leaders lack the courage to explain.

   If you want the person on the receiving end of this conversation to recognise their behaviors, change and grow as a result, the consequences must be clearly laid out for them.

Which of the 4 points do you need to work on the most? I’d love to hear from you in the comments

Have an incredible rest of your week,

Heather

P.S. LAST CHANGE - I’m closing ticket sales on Friday
So this is your last chance to get your tickets for next week’s event: The 4-Step Process of Managing Difficult Employees
Use your ITM member’s exclusive discount code for 20% off: ITMMEMBER20
Paid members this event is free for you (code in last week’s post)